Breitbart.com has an article up about how John Heilemann, a co-managing editor over at Bloomberg Politics has fully functional eyes. From the comment section comes our first multi-comment DWP in the form of this little exchange between joetheplumber, Mandy24790 and Rob:

comment

“Okay, look here. This turtle, my turtle, is the fastest turtle ever. And I’m not bullshitting here either. Like, I know, I know. Who’s ever seen a turtle, right? I know I hadn’t before I got this beauty. But then I was watching it and I was all, ‘wow, little guy’s really chugging along’. So I looked it up, on, you know, Wikipedia and everything. And, dude, turtles are supposed to be so slow! I mean, the internet says that turtles only go at like three miles an hour or whatever.

But this guy? This guy right here? I timed him. Check it out. This room is 50 feet long, okay? And, like, if you do the math three miles an hour is pretty much the same as four feet a second.

I know. That didn’t sound right to me either but I did the math like three or four times. It’s true.

Anyway, this room is 50 feet long so it should take a stupid turtle like, what, 12 seconds or so to cross it, right? Right. But this guy, my turtle can cross the room in just seven seconds. Seven seconds flat, jack. You don’t believe me? Seriously? You think my turtle can’t do it? Step back, just step back. I’m going to put him on the floor here and you just watch. Look he’s starting to cross! I’ll count the seconds and show you how fast he is. Ready? Here we go!

One… … … … … … … … two… … … … … … … … three… … … … … … … … four… … … … … … … … five… … … … … … … … six… … … … … … … …

Oh, man! Did you see that? Six seconds, it’s a new record!”

“Wait, but, those weren’t actual seconds. You were counting too slow. A second is more like one… two… three. You see?”

“MY TURTLE IS SPEEDY!”

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